Life’s not fair. We’re working hard, trying out all kinds of protocols and programs for years on end - stumbling here, making a bit of progress there, labouring through the rigmarole of diet and exercise. After a sea of blood, sweat and tears, we’ve done well. Finding ourselves a long way from where we started, shifting some heavy iron and looking damn good while doing so. Then, along comes some punk kid with golden genetics who starts throwing around our personal bests just to warm up. What a p…
Maybe it’s not happening right in front of us, but scroll through any social media and we’ll soon come across some jacked and tanned individuals hoovering up fast food without consequence, adding 20kg to all their lifts in about 4 weeks, or globetrotting exotic locations at the drop of a hat - all with the greatest of ease. While it all looks amazing and is cool to see what’s possible, it can also highlight some big differences between “us” and “them”. We might be proud of what we have and what we’ve achieved, until seeing how it stacks up against others - we were happy until they came along and just had to show off. Rude.
And the worst part? They’re probably not even working as hard as us - blessed in the genetic lottery or cheating with chemical or surgical “enhancements”. Getting all those gains (and fame) from some dumb luck or shortcut; making a killing from something they didn’t really earn. How is that fair? How are we supposed to keep up when we’re playing by the rules, putting in more work but making less progress?
We can’t change our DNA or suddenly become fitter or more popular, so should we even bother putting so much work in? They’ve already beat us, is it really worth all the extra effort just to maybe get a bit further than we are now? Even if we put in a tonne of additional time/energy, we might never reach their level - just embarrass ourselves - so what’s the point? It’s just not fair.
Then again... who do they think they are, showing off like that and making everyone feel bad? Flaunting how good they have it while the rest of us struggle for scraps. If we can’t get to their level, maybe they should be brought down a peg or two? That would even things out a bit - reduce the injustice of them having things they don’t deserve. At least show them that they’re not any better than the rest of us.
That would make things a bit more fair, balance things out and make the world a better place, right?
WRONG.
MIXED SIGNALS
Life’s not fair. We know this, look at and talk to any group of people and we can discover a deluge of differences that make each of us unique from one another - physical, psychological, views, experiences and more. We’re all a little different and each have our own strengths, weaknesses, and story of how we got here today. However, if we grow jealous of these differences we might forget this (particularly our own various strengths and advantages over others), and soon find ourselves off track. Unconsciously blurring the lines between injustice and “I want this”; wrecking both our own progress and that of others, all while feeling perfectly justified in doing so.
The hard part is distinguishing between envy (“the tendency to perceive with displeasure the good of others” - Immanuel Kant) and indignation (the outrage at a perceived injustice or undeserved advantage, that gut feeling of “that’s not fair” or “ehh don’t think so pal, stop cheating”). One is characterised as selfish/greedy and “should be suppressed”, and the other is righteous/moral, and “should be acted on” in the name of justice and fairness. However, both are natural emotions that arrive unannounced and unexpected, and there’s not a huge difference between the two (as we experience them).
Psychiatrist Neel Burton describes envy as being made up of 3 factors - we are confronted by someone that has something we don’t (material or immaterial), this something is desirable (something we want), and we are “personally pained by the associated emotions” (Psychology Today, 2020). That final factor is what differentiates envy from indignation - indignation comes from our moral views (what’s fair or deserved), and envy comes from emotional pain of “missing something” or “desiring the advantages of others”. Not necessarily out of greed, but from the feeling of inferiority/frustration at not having it - whether it’s something we actually need or just something we feel we need.
Of course, it’s difficult to stop and take some time to figure out the difference between “personal pain” and moral outrage, particularly in the heat of the moment. Even shortly afterwards it’s hard to get a clear read on what’s going on in our head. As argued by Jonathan Haidt in his book “The Righteous Mind” (2013), we feel first and think afterwards - using our rational brain to find reasons and justifications for why we’re feeling a certain way, usually in accordance with our views and beliefs (about ourselves and the world around us). Given the common connotations of envy (selfish, greedy, seen in bad/immoral people) and indignation (righteous, moral, seen in good/fair people), we may be more inclined to see things in a certain light, consciously or subconsciously. Although for some it may be as simple as having trouble seeing that we might be in the wrong sometimes. We are all the heroes of our own story - or at least not evil - making it easy to mistake envy for indignation.
We might imagine that indignation has more of an objective feel, given that we’re working in line with our moral compass of what is good and fair, making it easier to spot the difference from more the more emotional envy. However, research suggests that the feeling of disgust has a great influence on our moral beliefs and decisions (Ivan, 2015) - for example, we can accept that someone is behaving legally or doing no real harm, but if we find their behaviour disgusting or distasteful we are inclined to feel it is still morally “wrong” or that they are breaking an unwritten rule. While there are differences between feelings of disgust, outrage and envy, it can be tricky to sit and sort out all the fine details - especially when we’re fired up and have already made a decision and our reasons for it.
From here, if we let our emotions run the show, we are poised to wreck our own progress, and potentially the progress of others, in the name of “fairness” (or envy masked as fairness).
RUNNING DOWN THE GREEN LIT ROAD
If we don’t pause to think critically or take a look at the big picture, there are a few dark roads envy can lead us down, often stemming from a few common thoughts.
“They’re just better, and I can’t beat them/the system, so what’s the point in trying?”:
Seeing the pursuit as a futile or embarrassing endeavour, we are more likely to give up or run and hide from it all. Once off track, all the work we put in and momentum we built will start to dissipate - turning progression into regression, getting further and further away from our goals or what we set out to do in the first place. Shifting our focus from improving ourselves and what we can do, to focusing on what we aren’t or what we can’t do - spending less time doing or planning our next move, and more time stalling or pitying ourselves.
This can then become a self fulfilling prophecy. The more time spent focusing on and feeling bad about what we aren’t means less time/effort available and dedicated to improving our situation, taking us further away from our goal and giving us more to feel bad about - or ways to “justify” our negative thoughts (“see, I am useless, I barely made any progress this month, what’s the point in trying now?”).
Maybe we don’t quit altogether, just reduce the effort put in to save face. Dial down the intensity as we’re not getting the returns we want, avoiding the embarrassment of trying our best and getting “minimal” results (compared to someone else). It’s true, something is better than nothing, but if we reduce the effort so much we eliminate the challenging aspect of it, how can we grow or develop? Are we going to feel better by attempting something difficult, or by just going through the motions? Will we be more fulfilled by adventure, or by mediocrity?
“They have it easy”, “They don’t know how hard it is”, “They need to change”:
What do we really know of them beyond this one factor - their personal life, goals, or what it took to get here? Would we be willing to take the same risks, make the same sacrifices, put in the same work? Maybe they do have it easy (by nature or by design), maybe they have it much harder than us, or maybe it’s comparing apples to oranges and we won’t get anywhere, no matter how much we argue about it. Can we really judge them as a whole based on this one thing?
If we do decide to judge, what do we gain by dumping on them or obsessing over it? Sure, a bit of gossip and observation is part of communication, but is it the best use of our time? Putting more time and energy into this is taking time and energy away from working on our own goals or doing things that matter to us. It could even harm our social relationships, as focusing solely on differences will only create more divide between us, especially if it’s something we have no control over such as genetics or what has happened in the past (training, education, opportunities, etc). Naturally, it has its place to appreciate and understand different individuals, but if it’s all we do then we’ll be ignoring all the similarities between us - which means ignoring all the ways to connect and work together.
What if we go further, taking things into our own hands, and try to take things from them - physically or through social engineering? Are we in danger of acting like a child who, knowing they can’t play with a toy, destroys it so no one else can play with it - “if I can’t have it, no one can”? Using scorn and disparagement to diminish others, meanwhile forgetting all of our own advantages over others or that the world does not revolve around us.
“They don’t deserve that”, “The system/people need to change so that I can win or be the best for once”:
how? At what cost? What are the trade offs and consequences, can we really think them all through or expect things to work in reality as they do in theory? Why is “the system” or people the way they are - has it been arranged by someone, or has it evolved over time as a result of many factors? Do we love justice and the less fortunate, or do we just hate the person with more than us? Do we deserve to be considered the best by everyone, or do we just want to be? We can’t tell people how to think and have no right to control how they feel or what they like/want to do (as long as it’s within agreed or legal limits). We can’t order anyone to like or respect something, and trying to force them into a certain opinion is a bit on the tyrannical side.
Which is more impressive, the greatest total weight lifted or the most weight pound for pound? The progress someone makes in 6 months, or the consistency someone has for 6 years? Happiness or achievement? We can argue all day and all night about these things, entrenched in opposing views and getting nowhere. Not necessarily because there’s a right answer and stubborn opposition, but because there might be no right answer - just different perspectives and values at play, so no argument will convince them (or us) of which is “right” or “better”. If discussion doesn’t work, and we’re set on this idea of making change happen (in the way we want), we may resort to more pernicious or sinister methods to realise it, and causing a lot of unintentional damage in doing so. Even if we were to succeed, is the result going to benefit everyone or just us? Will others suffer as a result? As the saying goes, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”, so we better make sure what we’re doing is well thought out and not just a surface reaction to an emotion.
“It’s. Fine.” (Suppression), “If it wasn’t for them, everything would be OK”:
We could also try to ignore it, just bottle it up and push it down. This can work for a time, but after a while bottled up envy can fester into resentment towards an individual or group. Resentment (or ressentiment as described by Nietzche) is when the “personal pain” felt from envy is reassigned or extended to an external source (a “scapegoat”), so now instead of simply feeling inferior or incomplete, we have an “enemy” that can be blamed for making us feel this way. In other words, we feel that we aren’t lacking due to blind luck or our own actions/inactions, we are lacking because of this “enemy” - their actions (real or imagined, coincidence or by design) are the root cause of our pain.
Once seen as “the enemy”, it becomes harder to see anything beyond this label - particularly factors that conflict with the “enemy” or “bad” designation - and easier to make assumptions or find perspectives that support our belief (aka confirmation bias). This often snowballs from prejudice to persecution, and ultimately elimination to root out or put an end to “the enemy” that is causing all our problems - whether they are actually responsible or not. Cutting them out from our life or our group, making sure they can’t “hurt” or make us feel bad anymore - even if it is to the detriment of the community.
Sadly, this has been taken to the extreme throughout history, once we have an “enemy” to blame for our ills and bad situation they are soon persecuted and ultimately sacrificed from the community - through exclusion, imprisonment or murder (such as the “witches” of Europe, Kulaks of Communist Russia, Jews in Nazi Germany, many genocides, and more). All justified with “we are the real victims, we had to act before they destroyed us”, and based more on emotion than on any real data or evidence.
Unfortunately, removing this external “enemy” does absolutely nothing to change our personal or internal situation. So while we might feel a reprieve from that person/group for a time, by doing nothing to change ourselves we leave the potential for envy to rear its ugly head again as soon as someone new with “something more” shows up. As such, our “fairer” community is unlikely to reduce envy long term - in fact it often increases, as we become keen to spot and report any perceived advantages (rewarded with removal of an emotional “enemy”, and complaining about others is easier than changing ourselves). This can become vicious, as seen in many societies that focus on equality of outcome - encouraging constant comparison as “everyone should have the same” and punishing those with “more” - as witnessed and horrifically detailed in Alexander Solzhenitsyn’s book “The Gulag Archipelago”. This in turn limits group advancement, so the community as a whole cannot improve much unless it’s at the rate of it’s more limited members (particularly after eliminating all those who were considered cheating or too advanced). As we are all a little different - with varying rates of development, beliefs, interests, and drive to progress - this can severely limit the growth and development of others in the group; encouraging them to escape if they want to do or become more than “group average”. In satisfying our envy or resentment, we have driven off those who could have actually helped us improve our situation - progressing through working together, following their example (or elements of it), gaining information or pushing our limits through competition or innovation.
By letting an emotion keep us on one train of thought, we stand to destroy ways for us, and those around us, to improve. We won’t make the world a better place by spreading more misery, and won’t make our tower any taller by knocking down everyone else's. All the time spent being outraged and contemptuous will be a waste, flushing potential gains down the drain. So what can we do about it?
Disclaimer: This is not the path everyone is doomed to take upon feeling envy, this is more of a worse case scenario if we don’t do anything to stop our runaway train. It could even be argued that a bit of envy will spur us on in healthy competition. However, I feel the positive reactions/habits/outcomes to feeling envy are not as common as the negative ones, so here we are.
ALTERNATIVES AND WORKAROUNDS
The tricky part is that, despite the negative social connotations and potential outcomes, envy is a natural and normal emotion to feel - even in the best or most moral of people. Whether it shows up as a flash of green or a more lingering rumination, experiencing it doesn’t make us a bad person, and there’s no way to completely stop or cage it up. It’s part of the human experience as one of our many feelings, so any attempt to suppress or eliminate it is going to have unexpected consequences, bursting out sooner or later in a much uglier form - in the heat of the moment or by insidiously guiding our decisions. Granted, it’s one of the unpleasant parts of human nature we have to endure (along with anger, sadness, and more), but it is still part of human nature. Just like we can’t have light without dark, or good without bad, we have positive as well as negative elements of our emotions (and character). Unpredictable and unavoidable, but that’s all part of the game.
We might have no control over it’s coming and going, but what we can do is look right at it, see where it’s coming from and how it’s influencing our decisions/actions, and find ways to manage or work around it. We don’t need to announce it to the world or document every time it rears its head, but we do need to deal with it in some way to retain control of ourselves. Or at least try a few workarounds before we try to bend the world to our will.
***This is not to say we never truly feel indignation, or that no one is actually cheating or doing bad things - just that we need to assess the situation before we go in swinging, to make sure we’re not just reacting to an emotion and getting carried away with it. Every situation is different, but - generally speaking - even if our emotions are understandable, it does not mean our actions are excusable. So no matter how we feel, or think we feel, we need to take responsibility for our actions and the consequences of them.***
Focus on What You Can Do, Not What You Can’t
One of the most paralysing things we can do is spend time thinking about all the things we aren’t or can’t do (yet), and using this to fuel self pity or negative thoughts - which will in turn keep us from taking positive action or steps to improve. Unfortunately, no matter how easy or comforting it is to imagine, we can’t magically change things; all the time spent wishing or lamenting what we aren’t or can’t do is a complete waste. There are no secret shortcuts, resets, or magic genies coming to snap their fingers and instantly sort out all our problems or give us a boost. It’s up to us one way or another - to find a solution or to find some one/thing/information that can help us along on our journey (we’ll still have to put in some work, but with some guidance we might be able to sidestep some pitfalls and otherwise costly mistakes).
By focusing on the things we can do, or controlling what we can control, we can make some kind of progress - whether it’s steps towards our goal or just ways around/through obstacles in our way. It may not be an immediate breakthrough, but at least we aren’t feeding the corrosive negative thoughts or destroying other people. Even if we start right there at our thoughts: is that person really cheating/playing dirty, or are we letting envy cloud our judgement? Does what they do really affect our life that much? Will attacking them actually help our situation, short or long term? Are we comparing our low points with their highlight reel, seeing a bigger gap than what is really there? Would we be better comparing ourselves to others, or to where we were, and seeing what we’ve achieved or how we can keep going? Are we looking for more problems, or for solutions and ways to move forward? Are we spending too much time on this?
Once our thoughts are under control, or we’re thinking more clearly, it’s easier to take action in a meaningful direction - remembering our goal and why we’re trying to reach it, instead of having our decisions hijacked by an emotion. In becoming more active and building some momentum, it becomes easier to stay the course or adapt on the fly; giving ourselves evidence that we can do something and progress, making it easier to believe we can do more in moments of doubt or challenge.
Action or inaction, positive or negative, big or small, whatever the situation is we always have a choice. We can choose to wait around for motivation to strike or for someone to come and save us, or we can choose to take action and save ourselves. We can choose to curse the darkness, or to light a candle.
Emulate, Don’t Envy
Recognising that someone has what we want or is somewhere we want to be is a useful piece of info - not only is it humanly possible to achieve, but we have found someone who has gone and done it. Of course there are bound to be big differences between us (whether it’s situation, genetics, schedule and more), but we can look for similarities and information that we can use to our advantage - learning from their mistakes or trying out principles or practices that they found useful in achieving the goal. Expecting the exact same results might be unrealistic (due to individual differences), but there’s no reason we can’t at least expand our knowledge base or gain a new perspective that could help us - understanding why such a practice worked for them and their situation or how it could be translated or tweaked to apply to ours.
Even if someone relied on luck or “broscience” (or any kind of nonsense/outdated/marketing/social media hype based information), we get a chance to apply some critical thinking to sort the wheat from the chaff; learning to spot the difference between sound practices and lucky coincidences (or marketing) by understanding underlying principles of how things work. For example, a classic bodybuilding recommendation is to eat 7 high protein meals per day to build muscle. While 7 is an arbitrary number of meals, what we can learn here is that we need to eat a lot, particularly protein, to build muscle. The recommendation itself is “broscience”, but it does contain some information that we can use - in practice or as a start to do more research.
While I’m all for trial and error/experimenting to see what works best, we should be careful not to go too far and just blindly follow or copy and hope for the best. Instead, think about the reasons, philosophy and mechanisms behind decisions and practices - gathering information from a range of sources, and comparing them to find common elements or reasons why certain choices are being made. We don’t have to commit to an entire regime or way of thinking, we can always just take the good parts of a few different things and put them together in a way that works for us.
Shift Perspective
We might not be able to change the way things are (immediately), but we can change the way we look at them by shifting our perspective to find something more positive. My personal favourite is the Jocko Willink “GOOD” mindset - where we look at the situation, say “GOOD” and find a reason why it is in our favour or can help us in the long term. For example, if someone can lift more than us? GOOD - clearly it is humanly possible to move that weight, so with the right work/technique we could do it too, or GOOD we must be in an area with more advanced lifters, and so there will be more opportunities to learn and be pushed to get stronger (as opposed to a gym where we are the strongest, where we are less likely to be pushed or learn from those around us). Someone is doing better than us in less time? GOOD, it’s cool to see people improve and do well - this could be an opportunity to tell them and maybe make them feel good, or create a connection with a new person (which could blossom into a friendship, or give us an opportunity to gain new information/advice for reaching our own goals).
We could also shift perspective from “what they have'' to “what it cost/what they had to sacrifice”, and ask ourselves if we’d be willing to make the same commitment. Are the washboard abs worth spending less time with the kids? Are those extra kg’s on the bar worth cutting out a few episodes on Netflix? The answers will look different to each of us, and may well change over time as we grow or find ways to innovate - tweaking habits and our routine, or finding compromises to make room for a little of each thing instead of fully cutting something out. There are no free lunches or magical “effort free” choices, there’s always some trade off or sacrifice to be made; we just need to work out how much we value these things and their cost (short term and long term) to see if the juice is worth the squeeze.
Seeing the true cost of the “elite” or top level, we may even find ways to appreciate other aspects of our life or gain perspective on how well we’re actually doing. So while we might not be the best in the world, we don’t have to be. We are still able to do well, be talented/skilled, improve, help others, and enjoy things outside of training - instead of sacrificing everything for a fitness goal. Which brings us on to...
Practice Gratitude
Instead of looking at others, we can look to ourselves. Though, not at the negatives, but all the positives - what we are, what we’ve done/experienced, and who we have in our lives. Appreciating all the good things, or how far we’ve come; all the bad things that we have endured and learned from, coming out the other side stronger or wiser for surviving it. Not only will this let us recognise the good moments and gain a broader perspective on our current situation (and how it fits into the great tapestry of our life), but actively practicing gratitude can grant us a range of extra benefits, such as:
a boost to our immune system by reducing stress (Ryff et al, 2004)
reduction in anxiety and depression along with improved mood (Cregg and Cheavens, 2020)
improved relationships - especially when practiced/expressed as others will feel appreciated and good about themselves (Algoe et al, 2010)
increased optimism (Salces-Cubero et al, 2019)
can help to overcome trauma and trauma associated disorders, such as PTSD (Kashdan et al, 2006; Fredrickson, 2003)
can improve our sleep if we journal/jot down a few grateful sentiments for 15 mins before going to bed (Digdon and Koble, 2011)
To practice gratitude, it really is as simple as looking back on things and seeing the good side - appreciating the immediate or long term positives, and spending some time to cherish it. We can do this just by taking some time out to think (quick spot of meditating or just taking some time to yourself), telling someone that we appreciate them (who they are, something they do or have done for us, etc), writing things down in a journal or making a few quick notes of what we are grateful for (can be a good exercise to fill up a jar with these wee notes and take them out when things are particularly rough) or making a scrapbook or visual board of images (could be photos, drawings, computer generated images or a mix of everything). Some people also find volunteering a good option as it both helps others and gives us a glimpse into the lives of those less fortunate (highlighting aspects of our life we may have taken for granted). This is not an exhaustive list, as there are many ways to remember and appreciate all the good things in our life - whether we do it publicly or privately.
Less Social Media?
I feel torn about adding this one, as on the one hand it will reduce the chances of negative emotions from comparing ourselves to others (we can’t see all their highlights or what they choose to show to the world), but on the other hand it’s removing just one source of potential envy instead of addressing the emotion itself and how we manage/deal with it (we’re going to see other people doing better than us sooner or later). Like staying indoors just to avoid bad weather - we might avoid getting wet and windswept, but we also limit potential opportunities to do things and miss the chance to grow stronger or develop skills (to deal with operating in bad weather). Should we make our environment softer or should we toughen up to handle more?
Realistically, I think there’s not a hard “yes or no” answer to this, for all people or all times/situations. Sometimes it will be better for us to take a break, sometimes it will be better to confront and endure it, and sometimes we’ll make the wrong choice - all are ok. Sometimes social media will even be a good thing, finding inspiration, information or positive connection with others. So instead, we’ll just have to be honest with ourselves about how we’re doing (are we being too hard or too easy on ourselves), experiment, and find what works best for us. Yes, this is another “it depends” answer, but we are all a little different so what can you do.
REFERENCES
Algoe SB, Gable SL, Maisel NC. 2010. It’s the little things: Everyday gratitude as a booster shot for romantic relationships. Personal Relationships. 17(2). Pp 217-233. Available from: https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2010-10257-015
Cregg DR and Cheavens JS. 2020. Gratitude interventions: Effective self-help? A meta-analysis of the impact on symptoms of depression and anxiety. Journal of Happiness Studies. 22. Pp 413-445. Available from: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10902-020-00236-6
Digdon N and Koble A. 2011. Effects of constructive worry, imagery distraction, and gratitude interventions on sleep quality: A pilot trial. Applied Psychology Health and Well-Being. May 3(2). Pp 193-206. Available from: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/230206205_Effects_of_Constructive_Worry_Imagery_Distraction_and_Gratitude_Interventions_on_Sleep_Quality_A_Pilot_Trial
Fredrickson BL. 2003. What good are positive emotions in crises? A prospective study of resilience and emotions following the terrorist attacks on the United States on September 11th, 2001. J Pers Soc Psychol. Feb 84(2). Pp 365-376. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2755263/
Haidt J. 2013. The Righteous Mind: Why good people are divided by politics and religion. London, UK: Penguin.
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Kashdan TB, Uswatte G, Julian T. 2006. Gratitude and hedonic and eudaimonic well-being in Vietnam war veterans. Behav Res Ther. Feb 44(2). Pp 177-199. Available from: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16389060/
Psychology Today. 2020. The psychology and philosophy of envy. Available from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/hide-and-seek/201408/the-psychology-and-philosophy-envy (Accessed 10 October 2021).
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Salces-Cubero IM, Ramirez-Fernandez E, Ortega-Martinez AR. 2019. Strengths in older adults: differential effects of savoring, gratitude and optimism on well-being. Aging and Mental Health. 23 (8). Pp 1017-1024. Available from: https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/13607863.2018.1471585
Solzhenitsyn A. 2018. The Gulag Archipelago. Great Britain: Vintage Classics.